|Too Soon To Tell
I’ve thought about it a thousand times but I cannot fall for you. I like that you like me, I love everything about what we share. But when it comes to taking it a step further, I’m too comfortable to move. Don’t misunderstand me, you are amazing but I just can’t love you. It’s not because I don’t want to but I’m too scared.
You make me feel good about myself in spite of my imperfections. You flatter me all the time, you cheer me up, you accept the repulsive me, you let me be just the way I am and I would be lying if I said I didn’t love that. But I can’t overlook the fact that you don’t defy me when I’m wrong. You just go silent instead. A silence that says a lot, a silence that at times indicates anger, it indicates hurt. Why not challenge my stubbornness and compel me to be better instead? You make me feel like I’m always right but deep within I know for a fact that isn’t true. I’m complicated, yes and you’re caught in that mess. You won’t do the things I ask you not to, you avoid all that I dislike, you’ll say things that make me happy and in troubled times do everything to make me smile. I can’t love you because you won’t expect anything in return. And I know you do but won’t say it, not to me.
I like where we are, doing what we are doing because there are no compulsions. I need you but at the same time I’m happy on my own. I know you’re there for me just the way I am there for you. There are no questions and there is no need for answers. I can’t fall for you because if I do I’m scared there will be heartbreak. And I don’t want to lose what I have. It is a risk and I have to admit, I’m scared to take it. And even though I really want to, I can’t. Whether or not you’re worth that risk, I don’t know. I would have to find out the hard way. And what if that “way” is really hard? I don’t want to compare you to my past or expect too much from our future. Or ever have that thought cross my mind which says, “What if?” or “Why?”
I don’t mean to make you hang in there. I want you but it scares me to have you. I adore you for adoring me, it is beautiful. I love the tingles I feel when I see your call, I like it when my phone vibrates because of a text from you in the middle of the night even though it’s totally ridiculous, I like it when you poke fun at me, I like it when you make it up to me when I’m annoyed, I like the feeling of wanting to hold your hand in public, I like the flirtatious moments we have and pretend like they never happened. I like it all but I just can’t fall for you. I have it all inside me and I’m tired of hiding it.
I can’t love you because I feel you’re not sure yourself. I can’t love you because I want to be your best friend and if I do things will change. I can’t love you because I don’t want to be taken for granted. I can’t love you because I don’t want to be a rebound. I can’t love you because I don’t want to be lied to. I can’t love you because I don’t want to be an option. I can’t love you because I’m scared you’ll leave. I can’t love you because I don’t want to be a secret you’re too scared to tell. I can’t love you because you’re scared to say it out loud to me. I can’t love you because you’re too far away. I can’t love you because I will be discussed with your friends. I can’t love you because I’m scared you’ll be just like the “rest”. I can’t love you because if I do, I’ll fall truly madly deeply for you.
Maybe I’m bad, I’m egoistic and I’m selfish. Look beyond. I can’t love you, doesn’t mean I don’t already or don’t want to. You’re like my Ross from FRIENDS. Knowing that you’re there at all times keeps me from telling you how I feel.