The Reason I Smile For No Reason

You’re great friends in a moment and in the next you’re crushing on him. Till the other day he was a dork I couldn’t stand and today it’s his dorkish attitude that I like.

I can wonder about how it happened or why it happened, but it did and there’s nothing more to it. Telling him that I was crushing on him was the hardest thing ever. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Not like we were thick friends anyway. So the little that we shared, why not just stick to that? But, I had to take the leap someday. Maybe it was too soon and too sudden for him too. At least, he didn’t have his hands on his forehead sighing about what I said. Or did he? I wouldn’t even know because I chickened out and didn’t even say it to his face. Considering I was told “crushes happen”, that’s probably just what he did. So I chose to settle for a friendship anyway.

Crushes, I realised, are far more dubious than relationships. Once a relationship ends, you can still get over your ex. But a crush, each time you see that person, you feel that rush.There’s no concept of an ex crush. I haven’t come across that when it comes to this guy so far. *sigh* There’s something about that secret desire to be with someone that can drive you totally crazy. And if you’re friends, you’re in for hell alright.

Having him in my face every now and then. Walking by his side and not being able to hold is hand. Having him compliment me but not romantically. Just having him around and not being able to say what I want to say? It’s nasty.

It’s amusing how you’re not really the best of friends but he chooses to tell you about his girlfriend anyway and about how they met and how he fell for her simplicity and it just goes on until he realises I’ve not said a word in all that. And what follows is an obvious question, “Aren’t you digging anyone?” In my head, “Umm.. yea. You?” and I’ve turned red (I was blushing, wasn’t anger) but all I can do is turn away pretending not to have heard that undesirable question. And then he goes on to showing me her pictures and then pictures of them together. It’s different if I stalk her endlessly but I don’t want to know so much about her from you. I don’t want to know how much you adore the way she does what she does. And after all that, acknowledge how perfect it all seems. Despite all this, sitting there with him, I’m on the verge of blurting it out yet again but then I didn’t want to hear those two words again – “Crushes Happens” I didn’t! They’ll always be the most dire words in my life.

So often, I’ve felt the intimacy. Being able to talk to him so comfortably about almost anything. Holding each other’s gaze for a while and poking a tease or two at each other every now and then, all that didn’t seem usual. Hugging a bit too tight just like that. Like I wasn’t drowned in his awe already that I had to be left with more. And with all this happening, I just wanted to kiss and tell whether it was meant to be or not. Sometimes, that’s where the answer lies. You know it’s special if the kiss feels different, special. And no, it wasn’t hedonic. I was just crazy about this friend who I knew would never think likewise.

After dealing with all that, I convinced myself that we were far too different for anything to work out anyway. And by the end of about two months when I came to terms with that, he’s in my face again with that smile and sweet talking. And as much as I want to tell him that I like him, I choose not to anyway ’cause I wouldn’t want to lose the platonic friendship we share for something that even I’m not sure of.

There could always be a random encounter someday and chances of a hook up. Till then, he’ll be my secret puppy love.