Fear Of Thought

Coming to terms with what exists in life is one of the toughest things to do. Sometimes in just failure, whilst sometimes it’s loss. But a lot of times it’s an abstract thought that causes fear deep within. Something that you know you’re vulnerable too.

One such fear is living with the thought that at any given moment you could snap under pressure and no longer be normal, but instead be a mentally ill person. The thought by itself is scary, being in that state is something you don’t want to think about. And it has nothing to do with yourself alone but also those around you.

It is difficult enough to watch people suffer from Schizophrenia, throw their lives away driven by a force that causes them to destroy it without them having any control over it. Following that is coming to terms with the fact that there is a possibility that you could be next.

Another such fear is that of having to face the fact that you could’ve carried along with you a gene that is cancerous.

Watching family and friends suffer from a malignant disease is painful already. And then you sleep with the thought that you could be in their shoes one day.

As happy as life seems to be there are always underlying fears. Praying they say helps, and psychologically in my case it does put me at ease. But what happens when reality hits and I am in a place where there is no turning back?

The truth after all is that I belong to a family where Schizophrenia is hereditary. An illness that is pretty much worse than dealing with death too. A person when subject to this illness is termed as being “mad”. None of it  is easy, especially associating yourself with someone who is going through this trauma. You won’t deny but you won’t accept it either. And what happens when you suffer from it? Will people’s behaviour towards you change too? Will they now look at you differently? Thoughts as such can haunt you.
At this point, I hold myself guilty for being in that spot.

Fear is overwhelming and it’s worse to know that we hide from it rather than deal with it. More so, that I do.

For even as we live, we’re not really living.