Quiet Night

With a chill in the air and trucks passing by, in the silence of the dim lit room all that I see is I, me and myself. With all that is probably relevant to life that is supposedly yet to come, nothing seems all that important after all.

People hold over materials but what  happens when you lose them? Some because of death, some due to distance, sometimes a misunderstanding or at times just cause you leave it to time and the relationships fades away.

It hurts so hard to know that they won’t be around anymore. And even more when you know they will but it just won’t be the same. Something changes, you’re not sure what. Nothing changes, then again everything changes.

It seems to be that age where relationships are the most important thing. Be it with your parents, your friends,  a certain love interest or maybe just impression based relationships. It’s no hidden fact that we all want to survive in this competitive world even if that means not completely being yourself sometimes or just twisting the truth for a better reaction. To begin with, I have just one parent who has gone on to being my complete family. As for friends, there are transitions and changes – nothing is constant, rather no one is. Unless it’s not been need based but real in nature. As for the love interests, most often the ones you like do not like you back and vice versa. And for the one in a million times when you two do fall for each other, an external force doesn’t fail to bring you down.

At times, it all works out and at times it just doesn’t. Why never a little bit of both? Why the roses and then the thorns?

None of it perfectly imperfect but neither does it seem imperfectly perfect.

It’s that time of year where simple problems seem to be really huge. And most people around are going to tell me that I will have bigger threats to deal with and that life hasn’t begun to roll yet? Think again. If it’s meant to be grave at a later stage THIS is meant to be grave now ~ as petty as it may sound to an old grown man.

I am not going to lie and say that being single is a good thing because the truth is, it’s not. I want the company. Academics aren’t a cake walk and I admit, I haven’t put my best foot forward but it doesn’t mean I haven’t tried at all. I hate to admit that half the people in college base their judgments on the way you appear to be rather than the way you are. And no one can define my worth unless I give them that right to. I can’t say life for the family has fallen in place with the main link falling apart. No matter how true I make it seem, it’s far from reality. I can’t deny my individualistic and selfish ways. It is me, with concern for the ones who matter. You take it or leave it. I may seem spoilt or greedy, but I’d rather be open about it than pretend to be someone I am not.

I love everything at the end of the day but today’s just not the day. The bad overpowers the good.

It’s not anger nor is it frustration, maybe just an outburst that will last till this post ends.

Fights with friends who you wished made your day better, an argument over a trivial matter, a dirty stare from a stranger, a difference in opinion from your mother, a constant taunt from a friend, a nagging professor. Oh it doesn’t end!

Alcohol may not be the solution to it but somehow it does make it all seem like a bad dream. Not that it is as bad, but for a 19 year old maybe these are among the big problems in her basket. She is after all, just 19!

I have no father, I don’t know where I’m headed, friends are all scattered and I don’t stand a chance with the boy I’m crazy about. People around won’t fail to remind me of where I stand, the present scenario is all a blur. I lack motivation, crumbling all the ambitions. Although, I think a degree does not qualify to judge ones quality of being. My family seems happy but somehow we’re all living a lie, people claim to care but it is just momentary. Egos kick in and friends slam the phone. Alcohol consumption can lead to overwhelming situations. An overdose of laughter over nothing seems absolutely superficial, which I guess I was today.  Present day music has begun to depress me, why doesn’t anyone listen to classic old rock anymore? Candy is a remedy but spices just make it better. It so happens that I’m hated for something I didn’t do and I’ve reached a stage where I don’t give a shit anymore.And in all this the only thing that seems right, is the presence of God around somehow.

Not another Anne Frank or a princess from around the corner. A page never written about daily woes. Superimposed over the good times that certainly exist too.

Outburst ends here.

Someone shared, “You don’t search for happiness through another. You be the happiness and look for someone to share it with.” Well I’m trying, with not much helping.