Dear Daddy… With Love

Your little angel is now a full grown woman. She wears her heart on her sleeve and has no one watching her back anymore. She falls and there’s no one to catch her. She misses your hand to hold. She misses your arms to run into. She misses having the only man who would never let her down.

I’m lost Daddy, with nowhere to go. I’m broken from within. I miss your presence, I miss that comfort. I miss knowing that you would always take care of me when I failed to.

My heart’s broken and they watch as it burns on dust. I want to be strong, I want to be your pride. I keep trying to make this go away but how I kill a feeling? I want to be the girl you once taught me to be.

This isn’t another bruise on my knee or a fall badly taken. It’s my heart that is grazed, but I know you would still be able to fix it. You’ve been my antidote. But it’s falling apart and getting the better of me.

Daddy, he wasn’t completely in the wrong. But why couldn’t he be as good as you? Why couldn’t he be my pillar of strength instead of  weakening my being? I am sorry I turned cold after you left. But couldn’t he understand that you were almost all I had? I am to blame for being this way. But why couldn’t he love me like you, even for just a bit?

I am confused and afraid. I fear that given the chance he may break my heart again. 

“Once burned, twice shy.”

I fear that I won’t be able to trust again. I fear that I will stop believing in the existence of a man like you. 

I have tried to be what you wanted me to be but I see myself failing. I don’t want to let you down Daddy. Not without trying enough. 

I miss that you’re not around to guide me. I miss being scolded like every other daughter. I’d rather have you tell me what’s right than not have you with me at all. Would he have been any different knowing that you were around? Yell at him for me Daddy. Tell him where he stands. I loved him and  he let me down. Tell him not to make your little girl cry. 

It was you and me against the world, we were a team that even mum couldn’t beat. I miss my better half.

What do I do to make this go away? What do I do to feel as happy as your doll, as the child that once lived?

You are my first love and on days like these I wonder if you will be the only one that will be so true. 

I love you Daddy. I miss you more.

PS. Wherever you are, I believe you’re reading this. I’ll sleep tonight with the thought that you’ve wiped away these tears and thrown away my fears with your stories and your love: with your acceptance and forgiveness. Please come back, even if it’s for a while, even if it’s in my dreams.