I miss you so much.
I’m twenty now. Graduated and employed, I hope you’re proud. I know you’re watching us from wherever you are. I know you’re with is in all that we go through. And while I’d like to think the best, I also know that you’re not here with me.
Sometimes I wonder if it was partly my fault. For not paying as much attention to you as I should have. For not making life as easy as it should have been for you. For putting myself first and not you. I wish I could go back in time and change those things. I wish, you weren’t gone.
I want to you back. I need you back. In spite of the strong woman that you’ve taught me to be, I’m weak from within. And no matter how much I try, it’s a weakness I fail to fight.
You’ve taught me the most important lessons of life. And have led by example. You had flaws and so do I. You taught me to work towards them rather than using them as an excuse. A lot of times I just give up ’cause I see no reason to stand out. Everything around me seems so lost and empty. And then I think, life is for living right?
I have my friends talk about their Dads so often. While you’ve left me with a lot to talk about till life comes to an end, I still wish I had you here with me. I have nothing to say back for the present and that hurts so much. I wish I had you watch me at Convocation. I wish I had you to share the nervousness of my first interview. I know life would be very different with you around. And, even though life it good now, I’d rather live with your parental guidance than none at all.
The last memory of you is that of you clad in white lying still in a hospital bed. It’s a memory I try so hard to erase of my memory but it’s still fresh like it was just yesterday when it all happened.
I wish you fought back for life. God certainly had his own plans but I wish you changed their course. I look back at pictures of you and I think to myself how wonderful our world was. We were happy in our small bubble. How did your flesh turn to dust in an instant?
It’s been five empty years. And in spite of having everything, it seems like I’ve had almost nothing.
I need you back, in some way. Your voice is fading in my memory, you face seems so distant. This hurts more than you know. The more I try not to let it happen, the more I seem to push you away.
There isn’t anyone I can talk to about it because deep down I haven’t come to terms with it myself. I wonder if I ever will.
You’ve been the best father anyone could ever have. You’ve given me the best. You’ve given me the fondest memories above all. And if anything, I hope I keep up to all that you’ve wished for. I try, I really do. Forgive me for all the hurt I caused you and maybe still do.
It may be a myth but I’ll still hold on to it. I watch you watching me as a star. And each time I look up at the sky, it’s not the beauty of the deep blue canvas that makes my eyes gleam with joy but the thought that you’re watching me watch you at that very moment that fills me with gladness.
Please come in my dreams tonight. Give me a night with you, one with only love and laughter. One where we all are living our happy-ever-after.
You’re in my heart and will be there for as long as I live and beyond.
I love you Daddy. Very much. But I miss you more.