The Big Fantasy

There’s always that fictional couple you imagine as real and charismatic. And while there’s a list that goes on, one that’s stood out – for the longest time – quite obviously… Carrie and Mr. Big. Whether it’s to do with drawing parallels with my life right now or just the way they’ve always been that draws me so much towards them, they’ve always been the ‘it’ couple on my list. Watching them is like watching life get real. Only in a more fashionable and big way.

Watching something come to life can sometimes act like a mirror. Ever since the first time I watched them, I can’t imagine anything different. Their love story went on and while you’d think it’s just another fling or summer romance, it stuck on for a while; years. And for years, I’ve been fascinated. Yes, they’re messed up but that’s the perfect blend. The girl’s chasing her need for attention and love. The guy’s living up to his reputation and getting what he wants. They’re both in love but refuse to commit. Being selfish-human-selves. Until one day…

The ‘big fantasy‘ lives on. There’s always that irresistible yet unavailable guy in your life, you’ll never get enough of. He will always be emotionally unavailable, openly admitted so. It’s a facade he chooses to portray, just because. He is everything you’ve wanted in every aspect you could imagine. His wit makes your day, his intelligence makes you swoon, he’s as good in bed as can be, he’s charming and sexy. He’s magnetic in every possible way. But every good thing comes at a cost. You will welcome him in your life only to be sidelined in his. You will let him into your home only to welcomes as a stranger in his. You will write books to him only to get excuses from him. You will commit and fight only to watch him stand silently. And there he stands, withdrawn and not committed. He loves but leaves it at that. He keeps you interested enough for it to last for as long as he wants and then he’s gone. But you’re still waiting. You wait and wait, but that’s all you do; you wait. And then you wonder why we’ve given up on believing, on love, on living. You wonder why we’re sappy. Well, kudos to the big fantasy.

The romantic will more often than not fall for the dreamy yet unromantic person. The one who can go on about the way they feel will fall for the person who falls short of expressing themselves. The heart falls for the emotionally unavailable. Opposites attract? Or do we choose the reverse because of the challenge it offers? In all honesty, all you’re really looking for is a ridiculous, challenging, difficult and yet entwined and inseparable counterpart.

He is everything you want even if he’s not all that you’ve dreamed of. You will want to change him to what you’ve thought of as ‘perfection’ in your head but that only pushes him further away. He’ll take you on trips, he’ll give you the dreamy dates every once in a while, he’ll worship you in bed, he’ll pamper you with the best, he’ll be your dream man. But every morning when you wake up hoping to find him by your side, you’ll be disappointed. You’ll have fantastic nights but empty mornings. You’re important to him but will never top his work or life with the world. You’re his bedroom story he likes to keep to himself. And that leaves you wanting more. Is it even fair that he justifies his choices by his clear intentions? Why is he allowed to do what he does?

After all that, you’d think that it’s time to move on. But in your head and in your heart, it’s time that moves on. You’re still in your bubble waiting for him. Waiting for him to admit to being just as hopelessly in love with you.

So the real question is, in Carrie’s words – “Did I ever really love Big or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable?”. It’s a combination of being in love with the impossible. But if you want it as strongly as Carrie did even though it crushed her for years, he’ll be by your side one morning followed by another, followed by every other.

Carrie and Big had a fairy tale. Not the conventional kind but it made me believe in a twisted yet eternal love story. And while that worked out well for the eternal television couple, it might not always turn out the same way in reality. There’s always that one true love but will it turn out this way? Or am I just holding on to a story that adds an edge and makes me feel less guilty for being as twisted. You don’t make the same mistake more than once. The second time it’s a choice, a conscious one.

There’s a chance that he’ll be by my side today or in years. My thoughts haunt me – “Are you willing to wait?” Or “Will you move on to a land where the grass is green-er?” “Will you hold on to your ‘big fantasy‘ or will you let it go?”

I’ve loved Carrie and Big for the longest time. I’ve hoped for love like theirs only with lesser complications. But when you think Big, you get Big. It is a fantasy by all means. 🙂 I ask myself the questions Carrie asked herself everyday. And each time there’s just one answer. It’s worth fighting for when it’s “You and Me. Just us two.”.

Dear you,

It may take you a while to tell me the things I need to hear. It may take you a while to let down your guards and love me without any fear. It may take you a while to understand the reason behind every tear. It may take you a while you to do all that I’ve always hoped for and dreamed of. But you will, I trust that you will. And that day I will know.

I will hold on for as long as I can. Don’t be too late. Let me in, while we’re here. Try for me, try for us. It’s an open-hearted plea.

Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.