Distant Love

All I’ve ever wanted is to love you, for forever.

I don’t want to over-analyse our future or present. I don’t want to jeopardise what we have because of what I want. But with this distance, I’m pushed into a corner. We were so alive, where are we now?

There is that phase when you’re left smiling all day. Your phone flashes his name through the day and you’re gushing cheek-to-cheek in the middle of nowhere. You know no concept of night and day, it’s all minutes and hours passing with him. You want to look your best for each other, watching every word and every move. It’s that phase that makes you feel you’re at your best with the world just still around you. You smile at the mention of his name, ’cause that’s all it takes. And even after all your time spent together, you’re still that girl who fell in love with him during those late night conversations and silent stares in public places.

There is that time when he wants you more than anything. It’s that time when you rise above all. When a sniff is enough to have him by your side and a tear pull his world apart. He keeps track of all that you love. He want to know your every move and be friends with all your friends. He wants to be a bigger part of your life. It’s that time where he’ll mock himself just to see you smile. You are his queen and he leaves no moment to make you feel any different. He will love you more than you love him, he loves you more than he’s ever loved himself. It is that phase where you never grow out of things to talk about and you laugh-out-loud with no care in the world. It’s that phase where taking you out needs thinking and planning and nothing is every good enough. It is that phase where he’s never tired, not for you anyway. It’s phase where he’s there for you without you asking. He shifts from  just walking by your side, to holding you close hand-in-hand. He notices you and everything you do.

And then there is that time where you get comfortable with each other. It’s that kind of feeling where you’re just there. You know enough to know that nothing will change. But eventually, it all does anyway. It is that phase of needing space and understanding.  It is that phase where he tells you we’ve grown up and  are out of being mushy. It is that phase where he suddenly expects you to not want any of his old ways anymore because you’ve had it all. It is that phase where you talk because you have to and not so much because you want to. It’s that phase that makes you want to fight all the time, at the slightest mistakes. It’s that phase where you want to enjoy comfort with no expression. It is that phase where he prefers silence. It is that phase where a text trumps a call at  growing intervals. You reach a stage where space takes over the person’s presence. He suddenly feels everything needn’t be vocal because you ought to get it and not be immature. He’ll walk by expecting you to follow. He’ll treat every day the same way. He’ll forget things and blame it on life getting busier. The little things won’t matter any more because you’ve progressed, unless he’s reminded of them. He’ll love you, yes he will, but it stops there. He’ll feel no need to show it anymore because you know so. He’ll suddenly just go quiet and start off where he pleases while you stand there watching. He won’t notice unless told. He’ll just be. He cares about you and he loves you but he’ll show it only when necessary or asked for. And on a random day, he’ll get back to being his old self only for it to draw you back into your old phase until he’s gone again. He won’t tell the difference through all of this because he sees none. He feels no distance because he’s gradually moved into a comfort zone. He still is all about you but that lies deep within him. You see it only when he’s not distracted. It’s that phase where you are his life, but one that goes on with every breath and nothing more.

Maybe, it’s that phase of transition – you don’t have her and suddenly, you have too much of her?

And in that silence of almost every night, it feels like you had it all and then, lost it all at once. You lose the butterflies and nervousness and live every day like just another day. You enjoy monotony over actually being.

I’m living in denial. But nights like these, tell me you love me. Bring me back my boy. Bring me back the boy who found it important enough to care and express it. Bring me back my by who loved to argue. Bring me back my boy who had be on speed-dial. Bring me back my boy with the mid-night humour. Bring me back my boy who was a friend more than just another boy. Bring me back my boy who knew how I felt before I said it out loud. Bring me back the boy with the spark. Bring me back the boy I fell in love with.

Weirdly, through all these phases, you’re still you while he moves on with time. He ages with the relationship, letting go of the very spark that brought it to life. And you stand there, with the hope of bringing it back to life. Until, it finally fades off…