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Happy birthday, Dad!

“Lately I’ve been feeling cold at the thought of losing you even in spirit. It’s strange how the memory of death, even after years, just seems to come more to life.

Hi Dad,

This week, I’ve been thinking so much about you. I thought about the times we spent together, and came to the realisation that I can’t picture you as clearly anymore. I can’t remember your voice or the way you laughed, I simply don’t.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to silence the rest of the world so I can hear you again. But every time I close my eyes and try to go back to that life, I’m lost. It feels as if I’m trying too hard and pushing you away with every step back.

Every now and then I simply stare at my feet because they remind me of you. You had feet just like mine. Every time I look down, I think of the times I walked by your side, tugged at your socks, sat by your rocking chair when we watched TV, or simply helped you pull your jeans off as a little girl. I think of how you’re still a part of me, even in flesh. And yet, when I close my eyes your voice is nothing but a fading memory.

Some nights, your memory comes back to life in a vivid dream and feels as if you never left. I wake up with a start and my heart racing, only to realise that I can’t remember a thing. The only thing that I do remember is that when I last saw you, you were alive. You were distant, but alive. Even in my dream, I pinch myself at the thought of you being back in our lives. But I go with it anyway, because some dreams… they’re so close to what the heart wants.

The thing about death is that, while everything else seems to fade away with time, death only feels more alive. Every occasion, family dinner, achievement, or conversation seems empty because you’re not in it. Every photograph hung on the wall or saved in my phone doesn’t have you in it. These days, death seems a whole lot more alive than I am.

Some days I wonder, had you still been around, would I be the girl I am today? Would you have let me out of your sight as much? Would you help me stone the boys that broke my heart? Would you still take me for our regular baddy nights? Would you still cook me lunch every once in a while? Would you still be my hero?

Maybe, maybe not.

In a year you would’ve been 60. Yes, SIXTY! Occasionally I imagine you older and more protective.  I imagine the enterprising personality taking pride in his salt and pepper look, looking only more fit and fine with age. I imagine surprising you with cake and candles and watch you make a wish.

Seven years may have gone by too soon, but they sure have made up for some of the most crucial years of my life. When I think about it, you’ve been gone for a while now. My first prom night. Boyfriends. College. Convocation. First job. My post-graduation. Holidays and trips. Hospitals and drips. Driving attempts. Tears and heartbreaks. There have been so many kind faces and shoulders, but never yours to turn to.

But even in the crowd and the world’s constant chaos, I continue looking for you. I will keep looking. This birthday, can you please come back to me? Even if it means in spirit?

I love you Daddy. Very much. But I miss you more.

Happy birthday!

Chriselle

7 thoughts on “Happy birthday, Dad! Leave a comment

  1. As someone who is a complete Daddy’s girl, I know there is nothing I will say that will console you as much as I would wish to. But, I hope you know your Dad’s always with you. Every time something good happens, thank your Dad along with God. He’s probably rooting for you from wherever he is.

    Much love to you. :*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Sonia 🙂
      I guess somedays you just want to be told so, even though deep in my heart I know so. Most days, I’m in conversation with my angel. It’s a gift!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know what I miss the most? Being able to lift the phone and hear my dads voice. Make the most of every moment you have with your parent who is still alive. In the long run our memories are all we will have, but sometimes you realize that they are enough. Am sure your dad looks down with so much pride in both of his children. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sincerely bought tears to my eyes… Death is a part of life, no one can skip it… It is all a matter of love; the more you love a memory the stronger and stranger it becomes… Specially the bonding you’ll had, was something great to see !!!

    If not in Flesh and Spirit then forever in MEMORY!!!!

    Like

    • Thank you J 🙂

      Death is a part of life, just seems to take a while to embrace it before it gets the better of you. And true, forever in memory 🙂

      Like

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