December 2011 – from the pages of a relationship that once seemed perfect.
She didn’t know why she chose to behave that way, to just push him away. It all seemed perfect because in spite of their imperfections as individuals they created some perfect memories.
He loved her, he said he did and she wanted to believe every bit of that but something didn’t add up. Was it the distance? Was it their past? Was it insecurities that often occurred? Or was it just the fact that something this beautiful was too good to be true? Whether this was just like a fairytale – that didn’t fit in reality?
She feared she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that she would ruin another being along with herself. She worried she wasn’t good enough for him and that maybe, he deserved someone who was more like him. Her views differed from his almost always and she felt that down the line, in spite of the compromises, she would shatter his being.
Life brings with it some sweet surprises just like it brought him into her life. He was a jerk and she was allergic to jerks. But like those one in a million exceptions, something clicked. Friendship bloomed. It started with long hours of texting, to short phone calls, to an exchange of emails. While it began with their own individual lives and a hope of being best friends, it eventually led to greater closure. And while they boasted of being just friends, it was more than that. It was a feeling they didn’t know how to define. It wasn’t love but it wasn’t any less either. And one day, while the best “buddies” shared their days with each other, while she complained about mournful, he went on with how he was in love with someone. She was glad for him but maybe somewhere it hurt to now share his attention.
He wasn’t the best person she knew, he was nothing like what she wanted in a “boyfriend”, he was far from being the guy she would fall for but he was that friend she could be herself with. He was there to listen even if he couldn’t come up with the most comforting words. He was there to fight with when she didn’t know where else to let out her frustrations. He was there to be sweet to her while she mocked him. He was just there as this perfect friend.
Love followed and everything changed. She wasn’t his priority anymore. She was the friend he called when his love wouldn’t respond, she was the friend he would turn to when he needed help to cope but when she turned to him he had moved on. They drifted apart silently.
They say after a good beginning often heartbreak follows. His heart broke and he turned to her yet again. This time, she swore not to wear her heart on her sleeve, she swore to maintain a cordial relationship. But how can you overlook a bond you valued more than most other worldly relationships? And as the leaves of time flew, she couldn’t help but go back to where she was left alone. She cared far more than she realized.
His company was enough to keep her happy, his words of comfort were enough to make her smile. While he did his own thing, knowing that he would be around, kept her going in a way too. Her heart over-powered her mind while he was unaware of how she felt. Until one day, when he realised her importance in his life and chose to utter the words she always dreaded. The friendship that she yearned for, in his mind turned to love. While she looked out for his company, he looked out for her hand to hold. Fearing what would follow next, she decided to ruin it all.
Love is a commitment, one she wasn’t ready to make. She hated herself for making him fall for her because deep down she knew it was only because now he needed her. When she longed for his company he was nowhere in sight and when he stood alone, her shoulder she lent all day and night.
It seemed amazing in it’s own sweet way. All her life she longed for her best-friend to be by her side. While her lifelong dream was about to come true, she didn’t want her heart broken again.
He may have truly loved her now but why didn’t he stop when she needed him? She thought about it, for nights and weeks. And if she could be an option once how could he promise to treat her as his priority now? She sought for signs all the way through, she longed for him to make it seem true. But as she questioned deeper only to make sure, his ego ruled over his love and drove her away.
She wanted their friendship to last but all the promises he mouthed seemed like a farce. He wouldn’t fight back and let her come to her make her own decisions. And when it dawned on him that she was all he ever wanted, she had pushed him away because to her emotions he had never heeded. It turned into a matter of convenience. When he loved someone else, he left her and pretended like she barely existed. And by the time he realised her importance and craved her presence, sorry was all that she could say.