Maybe someday

Hi Daddy,

Last year marked our tenth Christmas without you. The thought of an incomplete family portrait by the Christmas tree for ten years is funereal. After all this time, a bittersweet thought at best. Happy because you’re surrounded by a choir of angels. Sad because the lights on the tree have never shone as bright as 2007. Happy because 2007 was beautiful, just you and me. Sad because I didn’t know it was our last Christmas.

Does that make each waking moment and day as critical? Not knowing that it might be our last? I guess we’ll never truly know even with knowing? I don’t know anymore because I still fight. I still fight people. I still disappoint people. I still disappoint myself. I still find myself going to bed unhappy, lost in empty pillow talk. I still go to bed without making amends. I don’t know. I guess I haven’t learned?

You’ve got to hurt before you heal. What if we wait too long? I don’t want to wake up with regret.

I’ll learn, maybe someday. Right?

Until we’re sailing on calm waters again,

Your baby girl

Photo by Federico Beccari on Unsplash