Last year marked our tenth Christmas without you. The thought of an incomplete family portrait by the Christmas tree for ten years is funereal. After all this time, a bittersweet thought at best. Happy because you’re surrounded by a choir of angels. Sad because the lights on the tree have never shone as bright as 2007. Happy because 2007 was beautiful, just you and me. Sad because I didn’t know it was our last Christmas.
Does that make each waking moment and day as critical? Not knowing that it might be our last? I guess we’ll never truly know even with knowing? I don’t know anymore because I still fight. I still fight people. I still disappoint people. I still disappoint myself. I still find myself going to bed unhappy, lost in empty pillow talk. I still go to bed without making amends. I don’t know. I guess I haven’t learned?
You’ve got to hurt before you heal. What if we wait too long? I don’t want to wake up with regret.
I’ll learn, maybe someday. Right?
Until we’re sailing on calm waters again,
Your baby girl