We follow a routine. These routines are unique to each one of us and yet so similar. And through these days and even nights so much goes on within our beings, like a continuous clock ticking, with no track of time but just ticking because it is tuned to.
You spend each day doing things because you want to. Then you reach a stage doing them whenever you can. Your choice turns into an obligation of sorts. Is that the case with everybody or does it happen only if you allow it to?
There are some people you take for granted and there are some you get used to. There is a difference. In the case of the former, it’s just another person in your life in passing. In the case of the latter, you don’t realise you’re beginning to fall short of giving them the attention you used to.
Sometimes I wonder what if I didn’t express myself. What if I didn’t let you know how much I loved you or how much I cared? Would that make a difference in a way that would urge you react in a better way? Would that make my presence felt? Would that make you notice the difference?
I sit up some nights wondering what’s really on your mind. Do you have doubts, like I do? Do you have concerns, like I do? Are you scared, like I am? Or are you just oblivious to all that goes on with me? For most of it, our feelings and fears control us. And so even if we want to believe in something or someone, our fears put us to shame. Is it because we’re only thinking and not really feeling?
I know you’re observing and staring right into my confusion. You’re watching me drown myself in pain based on my own fears. But that’s all that there is to it. You’re watching, and nothing more. You want to reach out but you don’t know how. And honestly, you can’t and I know that. But the woman in me still wished you did. Then again, you can’t.
I’m scared too. Scared that I may lose what I have because of what I want. Scared that a step closer may ruin it all. Fact is, these doubts will build on and you’re the only one who can help me fight them.
Maybe taking that leap of faith and trusting you with how I truly felt was a mistake. Maybe I misread the warmth on your face. Maybe I should have held my gaze and not melted in your arms. Or maybe thinking too much is where I falter and all of the above is just my idle mind assuming the worst.
The truth is, I’ve never felt happier. I’ve never felt more alive. And this is because I chose to give in to my feelings and not stop to think instead.
And in spite of all the dilemmas this is all that there is to it. I’m weak and I tend to assume the worst. But its only because I see the best in you but I’m not so sure when comes to me.