3 In Writing & Expression

What it means when she pulls away

What it's like to love a girl without a father

“I haven’t ever really thought about being different or feeling emotionally needy because of who I’d become. But it was true. I always looked for the most “ideal” thing but when it got real, I always pulled away.”

There are girls who cling on to the idea of everlasting love and there are girls who pull away when this love comes knocking at their doorstep.

Has it ever occurred to you that this girl could be more damaged that she appears to be? She isn’t shying away from love. She’s scared you’ll walk away without warning. Twist? She’s the one craving the most for true love, only, she’ll never fully accept it.

At first, everything is the same. You do the things new couples do – first dates, laugh out loud, get high on popcorn and tonnes of soda, chat about everything and absolutely nothing, feel the butterflies, feel anxious over minutes of separation, smile cheek-to-cheek when you meet. Like every other love-struck couple, you are filled with excitement and nervousness, all at once.

She will do everything to make sure your relationship works out. She will make sure she keeps up the excitement and will never let the fun die out. She will make sure you are happy. But as you inch forward in your relationship, you realise there’s still a wall. Her anxiety gets the better of her, before you can.

When the going gets tough, she will blame herself for not doing enough. She will bite back with sarcasm instead of facing her inner demons. She will be harsh. Every time you have a fight, she will tell you to leave. She will do all of this because, she would rather lose you knowingly than suddenly. She fights you because she fears losing you. She pulls away because she fears needing you too much. In this case, she would rather be the one deciding her fate than have the world take it all away and leave her broken.

So you ask yourself: “Can I be with someone so guarded?“, “Am I willing to compromise on the fun and tolerate unwarranted tantrums?“, “Am I willing to wait for as long as it takes?

A girl with a bitter past or an insecure present wants to be looked after but she will never ask for it. She will not discuss her worries, because she wants to be the one to fix them. And every time she lowers her guard and lets you into her life, she will push you away and build it back stronger. She is scared of doing you wrong and in that fear, she runs farther away. You will not always understand what’s going on in her mind, and that’s okay. You need to let her take control of the situation before it takes control over her. You need to let her settle down and trust you. You need to show her how much you care and never leave (if and) when y’all hit rock bottom.

So when you date a girl who constantly pulls away, you need to understand this isn’t because she’s not ready. She pulls away because she fears being madly in love. She pulls away because she’s losing control. She pulls away to test the waters and beat the crashing waves. She pulls away so you can pull her back and love her all the way.

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  • Reply
    Goo Wak Jai
    15 July 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Ehhh…this one is a toughie. I mean, would you consider pulling away and throwing tantrums AND throwing around false gossip to everyone within one’s social circle as “fear of being madly in love”? I’m hard pressed to believe that. As a guy, I would write that off as “batshit crazy” behavior and would only strengthen my resolve for leaving her in the first place.

    But for me, gossiping is the part where the lines get crossed into criminal behavior, in my opinion, and that’s where I would draw the line between her “fear of falling madly in love” and “batshit crazy” behavior. I had one that did the whole pulling away and temper tantrums, which I could deal with because I knew that well. But then she takes up a few notches by spreading nasty rumors and gossip about me and about how I had “done inappropriate to her maiden heart” and all that jazz.

    • Reply
      16 July 2015 at 3:07 pm

      I wouldn’t consider it “pulling away” at all but just finding a convenient excuse to tear y’all apart. Sorry that happened to you!
      Being guilty for pulling away myself, it’s never been about turning bitter but just feeling safe or avoiding heartbreak.

      • Reply
        Goo Wak Jai
        16 July 2015 at 6:29 pm

        Heartbreak is inevitable though. It just comes with the territory of dating,

        There’s a popular Chinese saying and it goes something like this: “if you have one foot on one boat and another foot on another, eventually both with drift apart and you’ll fall in the pool.” The idea is that if you’re half-assing with one man, and half-assing with another, you’ll only get half-ass results or worse, nothing at all.

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